Two and a half weeks ago, we loaded the boys in the car and headed 20 minutes south to get a 4D ultrasound of our baby. Thanks to impatient grandmas, we were about to be able to find out the gender of the baby a month before we normally would have.
Baby Toney #3 is… a boy. Again.
I am going to be honest with you today. I was bummed. I am bummed. This will be our last baby, so we have now closed the door on the possibility of having a girl in our family.
Before I continue, let me just say from that start that I am so happy to get to have this little guy. After loosing a baby this summer, we are overjoyed that he is looking healthy and growing well. I love him fiercely already and I will NEVER wish that he was a girl.
However, I still need to mourn. When I found out that our second was a boy, I received a lot of mixed reactions from people. I was surprised to find that many people instantly tried to give me a positive benefit of having two boys: “You’ve got hand-me-downs!” “At least they can share a room!”. But the reaction that stood out the most to me, and was the most helpful, was what my sister-in-law immediately said. She said, “it’s okay to be sad”.
It was okay to be sad. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I felt guilty that I was holding back tears- that I wasn’t jumping up and down that it was another boy. Somewhere in my head, I was telling myself, “you’re not being a good mom because you are bummed that it is a boy”. Lindsey’s simple words gave me to freedom to give myself grace. To grieve the hope and idea that I might be having a baby girl.
And, now, when I am faced with the fact that I will never have a daughter, I’m allowing myself to be sad. To mourn all of the dreams I had of braids, dolls and prom dress shopping. You see, I always envisioned that I would be a mom of girls. God obviously saw me as a mom of boys. I have absolutely LOVED being a mom of two crazy little men. It has brought me more joy than I could have ever known. I love watching Isaiah play baseball, I know the names all of the Star Wars, Thomas and Cars characters, I am always looking for adventure and I’ve been pleasantly surprised that Isaiah loves to craft and bake with me. However, I am sad that I will not have a pink, ruffly, glittery nursery. I am a bit heartbroken that I will never get to use the girl name that we picked out 6 1/2 years ago before we found out our first was a boy. As a young girl (and a girly young girl at that) I loved playing house and playing with dolls and barbies. Whenever I was pretending to be a mommy, the baby was always a girl. Even recently, I assumed that, at some point, I would get to have nail painting parties, go to mommy and me ballet classes and, one day, help my daughter plan a wedding.
It has been hard for my husband as well. I choke back tears pushing away the dreams I had of seeing him with a little daddy’s girl wrapped around his finger. He told me one night that he was really sad thinking about how he will never walk a daughter down the aisle (cue the flowing tears).
The boys, on the other hand, are happy as can be to have another brother. Isaiah was jumping up and down in the ultrasound room and on the drive home he told us, “I prayed that it would be a boy”. It melts my heart. I love that we will have three little buddies. That this baby will have two older brothers watching over him and loving him wholeheartedly.
In the past two weeks, I’ve been able to work through a lot of tears and to begin processing all of this. As a side note, I don’t suggest watching the show Parenthood while dealing with all these emotions :) It is a hard hard thing to come to the realization that your life is not going to look exactly the way you had planned and dreamed and expected. Yet, every time my expectations have been turned upside down, God’s plans for my life have been ridiculously better. I take comfort in that. The excitement has come back and I’ve directed my attention to designing another boy’s nursery (no pink, ruffles and glitter obviously) and to trying to come up with a name (I am 99% he will remain nameless).
I will continue to allow myself to be sad and to grieve that which will not be. One of my dearest friends had this same situation in her life and she told me that she still has moments where she grieves, even though her youngest son is now 6. That is fully okay and healthy and I know that I will have moments of sadness for years. But I will not let this steal my joy. I will thank God daily for giving me these three sweet boys, when we thought chemo was going to take away my chances of getting pregnant. I will embrace being the lone woman in a house of dudes and will rock the mom of boys thing. I will paint nails and have tea parties with my nieces and other little girls in my life. One of my boys might end up in dance class, much to my husband’s dismay, but we will cross that bridge when we get there :)
I will thank God continuously for my three blessings and my little sesame seed that is with Him. Even if it does not look like what I had envisioned, my family is more than I could have ever dreamed of and there is not a day that will pass that I will not be grateful for that. Even in the hard moments. Even when I’m sad.